My very first big Japanese wedding

Last Saturday I got to experience something that I thought I never would: a Japanese wedding. There is a chapter on weddings in the CIR handbook, but I just never thought I'd ever have to attend one. In Austria, weddings are very private things. You wouldn't invite most of your colleagues, let alone some random short-term gaijin from Europe, but in Japan, where getting married is still pretty much standard for pretty much everyone, things once again seem to be a bit different.

Well over two months ago a white envelope with my name on it landed on my desk. About 15 minutes later (my reading skills back then were even worse than they are now) it turned out to be a wedding invitation from K-san from downstairs. I pinned it to my wall and never thought any more about it until the day of the wedding started to draw nearer.

I had done all sorts of research about Japanese weddings and how to behave, because I really didn't want to have anything embarrassing happening to me. According to this research you have to give the happy couple a large sum of money (between 10.000 and 30.000 yen / 1000-2000€) depending on your relationship to the couple and place the notes in a special envelope along with some words of well-wishing. It is really important that the notes are new (i.e. fresh from the bank) and that an uneven number of notes is places in the envelope as even numbers are said to be unlucky. So this wasn't only going to be complicated, but also expensive.

For a long time, I didn't dare to ask anyone about it, because I didn't know if all of my colleagues had been invited. Imagine how awkward it would be to ask somebody "Hey, what do you think we should be wearing for K-san's wedding?" and get an answer like "What? He's getting married?", "WHAT? I thought everyone was going on a business trip that day and I should keep watch down here?" or even "Who the hell is K-san?"
Fortunately, my supervisor jumped to the rescue as she usually does and explained that most of the procedures described above weren't necessary at all in Hokkaido - oh blessed land! No envelope, no letter of well-wishing, you just pay the (admittedly quite large) sum of 13.000 yen at the wedding reception. Hurrah! She even sent me links  with explanations on what to wear. Also, it turned out of course that EVERYONE was invited. The whole yakuba. I should have expected this of course, because even I was invited and I am - as has been mentioned above - just a random part-time foreigner.


So on the big day we all put on a dress or suit, boarded a bus that was waiting in front of our workplace and were transported to Niseko Hilton, where the wedding was supposed to take place. The actual Shinto ceremony (if there is one) usually only takes place with the family around. Afterwards there is a reception and a big meal to which everyone is invited.
At the reception we got a nicely decorated brochure outlining the programme for the wedding as well as some friendly mocking brochures about the newlyweds and a seating plan. On the way into the banquet hall everyone had to greet the bride and groom, both dressed in traditional Japanese kimono The bride's one was white and she was covered in an enormous hood. As I don't wanna post close-ups of people I know without their permission, here's an example off google: http://factsanddetails.com/media/2/20090802-bridal2%20mit%20edu.gif

As I entered the enormous banquet hall of the Hilton to find my table, I soon noticed that the tables didn't have numbers, but names with festive or positive connotations, such as 寿 (long life) 幸 (happiness) or 祝 (well-wishing). I had been placed next to all the other non-Japanese town employees, which was a relief in a way as I'm relatively close to them and didn't have to chat to some horn-rimmed business dude I didn't know (there were a few of those around). Once dinner started though, I found out that the few Japanese people placed at our table were all employed by CLAIR - the Council of Local Authorities for International Relation. I thought that was just hilarious. "Sooo, where are we gonna put the foreigners?" - "Ah just seat them next to the foreign ministry, they are gonna know what to do with them!"
The CLAIR lady sitting next to me turned out to be from Kumamoto (way down in Kyushu) and really nice. She even knew one of my German CIR friends who is working at the same office as her, so we had a chat about our various duties. It was quite interesting talking to somebody on the "inside" as it were.

Young wedding enthusiasts

As for the wedding itself, it was VERY formal and ceremonial - like most Japanese festivities I have thus far experienced. It began with the newlyweds parading into the room (him still wearing his original clothes, she having changed into a red kimono). Then they had to stand still for a while, while the story of their lives was told by a moderator. They both looked a little bit like they were standing trial.
This was followed by a speech by the mayor and one or two other important people. Then dinner started being served. It was the usual 10 or so course kaiseki and very nice as would be expected from the Hilton  (and the 13.000 yen paid). The whole thing was accompanied by karaoke and other performances by close friends and relatives of the couple.

"The trial"

At some point the newlyweds had to ceremoniously open a barrel of sake with colourfully decorated hammers and then all the guests had to walk up to the bride groom, pour him a drink and do some formalised small talk with him - he must have been relatively drunk after that. That's how you do conversation at big Japanese parties in general btw: grab a bottle of alcohol, approach whoever you wanna talk to, pour and exchange pleasantries. When you are being poured at, it is important to offer your glass with both hands (lessons learned the hard way...)

Posh dinner

Shortly before dessert was served, the newlyweds appeared once again, this time dressed in western style suit-and-tie and white bridal dress. I've read somewhere that a large amount of money paid for a wedding actually goes into renting all these clothes. Buying them would probably cost you the sum that could buy a small house somewhere in the country. Anyway, they went around the room with a huge candle and lit all the candles placed at the guests' tables, once again exchanging some polite words. In the end the couple's parents, all dressed in suits (dads) and kimonos (mums) had to go on the stage to receive a bouquet of flowers as well as a letter of gratitude (tearfully read out loud by the bride).

The newlyweds greeting their parents

Then it was over. The whole wedding took about two hours, then we were all put back on the bus and taken into town. There was an opportunity to attend the nijikai (second round at any party), but it was kind of implied that those people not that close to the couple would have the decency not to attend. The gap between the ijikai (first round) and nijikai (second) is the only time that you can politely sneak away from the celebrations whereas those that wish to go on drinking can do so. I.e. all the colleagues went home whereas the friends and family stayed for the second round, which was probably where the real celebrations began. On the way out all were once again greeted by the couple - and this time their respective parents too.

In Japan it is customary for the guests to receive presents, so when I had arrived at my seat, a huge white bag had been waiting for me there. It contained a packet of sweets made in Niseko with the date of the wedding as well as the names of the newly-weds engraved in each biscuit.

Programme information and wedding present. Both have the Chinese character 寿 (kotobuki) -meaning "long life" written on them. At weddings you can find this character all over the place as it is supposed to bring luck.